In a display of hate and racism, Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) members descended upon the quiet, predominantly Afrikaner enclave of Kleinfontein this week, demanding land repatriation, economic justice, and—apparently—revenge for a 371-year-old grudge.
The protest, which saw red berets clash with perplexed locals and SAPS, took an unexpected turn when one passionate EFF member declared, “Our problems started in 1913 when Jan van Riebeeck took our land from our grandfathers!”
Historians were immediately summoned to gently point out that Jan van Riebeeck, the Dutch colonial administrator, had in fact arrived in 1652 and died in 1677—meaning that if he stole land from anyone’s grandfather, that grandfather would now be approximately 400 years old.
Undeterred, the EFF member adjusted his timeline on the fly, clarifying: “Fine, maybe not MY grandfather. But SOMEONE’S grandfather! And that’s why my Uber Eats was late last night!”
Other Key Grievances Raised at the March
While land redistribution was the main theme, protesters also linked Van Riebeeck to a variety of modern inconveniences, including:
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Load Shedding – “If Van Riebeeck hadn’t landed here, we’d all be using solar-powered spears by now!”
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High Data Costs – “He invented Telkom! Look it up! (If you can afford the data.)”
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That One Uncle Who Eats All the Chicken at Family Events – “A direct result of colonial oppression.”
Local Kleinfontein Residents React
Meanwhile, bewildered Kleinfontein residents peered out from their stoeps, sipping coffee and wondering if they should also start blaming Van Riebeeck for things.
“Look, I don’t know much about history,” admitted one local, “but if we’re blaming dead Dutchmen for stuff, can I say Willem Adriaan van der Stel is why my wife left me?”
EFF Leadership Clarifies Historical Accuracy
Julius Malema, when asked about the 1913/Van Riebeeck mix-up, shrugged and said, “Time is a white man’s construct anyway.” He then led the crowd in a revised chant: “What’s the date? Doesn’t matter! Give us the land or face the clatter!”
As the march concluded, protesters dispersed—some vowing to return, others Googling “Jan van Riebeeck Wikipedia” on their phones.
One thing is certain: the struggle continues, the timelines are flexible, and if you think about it hard enough, Jan van Riebeeck probably is why your Netflix keeps buffering…
If you liked this article then please consider giving it a share, maybe we can get the Jan van Riebeeck Wikipedia page changed so that it reads that he landed in 1913…
Parody article
