Virtually everyone will encounter a verbal bully at some point in their personal and/or professional interactions, and it can be brutal mentally, physically, and emotionally. In some instances, the only solution might be to remove ourselves from situations where we have such encounters. In other situations, professional support, legal, or security measures might be necessary to ensure our health and safety. The fact is that every situation needs to be evaluated and addressed on a case-by-case basis.
But let’s face it, there are going to be situations where the consequences of taking any one of those steps could potentially create as many, or even more issues than not taking action, again, it depends on the specific circumstances, and on the individual involved.
As a negotiation consultant and trainer, I’ve worked with thousands of individuals who are in situations where the circumstances were such that simply removing oneself from the situation was nearly impossible. Or where the consequences of making an accusation, or taking a direct action against the bully, might have been worse than simply enduring the indignity.
So, what are some concrete strategies for taming a bully that you can use today?
1. SHUT UP
According to text from EVOLVE OR BE SLAUGHTERED: Negotiation For The 21st Century, bullies are identified as “Omnipotent Commanders”, and the reason so many bullies are bullies is simple: it works for them, it’s gotten them where they are, so most are convinced that it is simply a forceful way of making people better, or of getting the results, and respect they believe they deserve. And once the bully gets on a roll the very last thing you want to do without caution, skill, and training, is to challenge them directly.(Although there is a place for that too from time to time).
For most people however, the wisest course of action will be to simply “Shut Up” and avoid looking the bully in the eye directly for more than a fleeting moment at a time. I often advise clients to place a finger over their mouth, so that the bully is assured they will not be interrupted.
It may take a few moments, or perhaps longer, but rest assured, the bully will eventually run out of steam, they virtually always do, and when they do they are vulnerable (A lesson for another day).
2. LOWER YOUR VOICE/BITE YOUR TONGUE
Once the bully calms down, resist the temptation to respond, just let them simmer and sputter out, like a five-year-old after a tantrum. If you do say anything, lower your voice, and soften your tone., One phrase that is effective “I totally hear what your saying”, or “You are 100%”.
3. REFRAME
While “reframing” is a bigger topic that deserves a good deal of attention in its own right, for the purposes of this article the variation would be to ask, “How do you want to me move forward ?”.”What can I do to make this right?”. Every bully is unique, but the classic response will be for the bully to dismiss you out of the room. Or, to do exactly as you’ve ask and explain exactly what they want you need to do next. Again, “Shut Up”, listen (Or simply nod your head in agreement).
4. COMPLIMENT & COMPLY
Once you have your marching orders, or have been dismissed, it’s often a good idea not to turn your back on the bully, walk out of the room backwards, but before you go, be sure to compliment the bully by saying something complimentary “Great speech yesterday”, “Congrats on last quarters performance”, something that reminds the bully of their own self-importance.
While it may feel like a defeat, and while it will take some practice, you will eventually start to be able to not only read, but to train the bully to seek their “bullyfulment” elsewhere because they will get less, and less power, or satisfaction from bullying you, and that is the first step in the process of introducing a full on “pattern interrupt”,(EVOLVE OR BE SLAUGHTERED), and shift in the power dynamic. For more on this topic read chapter six, “Effective Communication”, from Beyond Negotiating: Influence – Rapport – Results.
By Derrick Chevalier
©2025 By Derrick Chevalier, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Derrick Chevaleir, Author CNSUF Negotiation Creator, Consultant, Keynote Speaker
Executive Vice-President H-C, Inc,
Email: info@h-c.com
Website: www.h-c.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/derrick-chevalier-6323272
Phone: 213 804-4124 (Direct)
